Post for Christmas

Um,,napansin ko lang..
wla pla akong post nung Christmas..
happy nman 'ung Christmas eve kac andito sina lolo at lola,
chaka pamilya ni tita melda..
the more, the merrier daw..
un...xympre hayz,,nkayanan ko pa naman idilat mata ko.hehe

Special ang araw na ito kac nga bday ni Jesus hehe
anyway, la nman ako masyadong maikwento.
paggising ko ng umaga, the usual routine, ang paglinis ng bahay.
then the whole afternoon dun lang ako sa room,hehe
la namn mgawa kaya nglalaro lang ng rubix cube.
'nung gabi mejo nbored na tlga ako.natulog siz ko,
kaya ntulog na din ako ng maaga.dat was 8pm i think?ahaha

ai hu nga,kalimutan ko...nmatay pa pla lolo ko.

belated merry christmas..

ahaha,,cnxa of all the post, i know ito ang, di ko alam. errr...
xympre Christmas, dpat happy.haha

My Dragon Nightmare

La..la..la..lolz

i think i really got nothing to say..
as of the moment, im alone so i turn the speaker's volume to the fullest
aww...haha,,its kinda
embarrassing to let you know im a bit scared right now..
the reason why i set the speaker too loud..hahaha

remembering my nightmare last night makes me shiver with fear and crazy at the same time..
its about my bro's pet(i dont know what kind of creature is that..some sort of a dragon you would usually see in cartoons..wait wait...let me find a similar pic that suits my description)

aha!!!this is him!!!

i am UNCONDiTiONALLY and iRREVOCABLY hating him!

the only difference is the color and its expression.
That one on my dream is white in color outlined with red and looks devilish!!!
this one looks so sweet despite his sad face.hihi

i tried to sleep sound last night its because im not feeling good..
but this little devilish dragon bugged me on my dreams causing me a sleepless night.

this was my nightmare...

My bro and I are sleeping in one room.i don't know who's house was that.
Somebody had awakened me up however my body can't move. I wanted to see his face but i couldn't. Luckily, i am able to catch a glimpse on him. a dragon??

"what is that?? why can't i move??"
trying to reach this little devil, wanting to throw him a punch but i wasn't able to move..
i really wonder why i can't move when all he does is watching me intently with a devilish eyes..and would go around me...grrr i prayed to God for the strength. i shouted for help as loud as i could but sad to know its only me who could hear myself. A couple of minutes passed and God granted my prayers...

at last,i caught him!!!!and hit him hard on the head.

i know this is a crazy dream.haha

quickly, i wake my brother up to chain his stupid pet. "hey!you put that devil back on his cage", i said furiously. "I'll just hold him hard so he couldn't escape from me."

[to be continued...]

Puzzling thoughts

A bittersweet th0ught:

What if the missing puzzle that c0mpleted me,
0f which i've f0und it through his help, (getting confused on this part.should it be his help or POP!) *single brain cell--- damaged*
Happens t0 be him? That he really is the part that made me wh0le?Uhuh?
How am i suppose to think about this?
*head shakes*

Ah..Nah...I refuse t0 dwell 0n this th0ught.

But what if its the reality i just can't accept?Just like bef0re I've kn0wn him?
That i can't accept i was fallin f0r him already the first week I've known him?
and simply I refused to name it as something for it started only in text messaging?
But there,i still ended up admitting i was madly in l0ve with him..

Tsk3,such a crazy shameful th0ughts t0 p0nder 0n..

Im Taken..

12/28/08

An0ther byg0ne days away fr0m him..

The last th0ught c0uld never be wr0ng.
"He c0uld be g0ne anytime."
And n0w he is..

I wanna kn0w the wh0le real thing
bef0re getting t0 the p0int 0f th0ught
that he truly is...
g0ne.


The cut 0f updates fr0m him might tell that something is wrong. He might be ending up everything.
I should have grieve f0r such a l0ss,f0r l0sing s0me0ne i th0ught w0uld be mine s0meday.H0wever acceptin' it in a very humble way had never been a big issue f0r me.

S0metimes,acceptin' things then lettin' g0 c0uld be the best way t0 0ffer..Because that's what they wanted, and by n0 0ther means, y0u have t0 let g0 0f them t0o. Even if it leaves an unwanted h0le in y0ur life..

There would be times that God sends out someone for special reasons and that reason could be to love us, teach a lesson, or hurt us in way that would mold us into shape. Whatever it is, we should be thankful about it. (awtz,,yeah right. be thankful.even so it means he'd be leaving?that could be something hard to accept. )

S0meh0w, n0thing t0 w0rry ab0ut.
N0t a big deal th0ugh.


C0z


im already taken..



Yeah..


Taken f0r granted.Again.L0lz
Im s0 used t0 it already.

all i c0uld say is,thank y0u!
Thank y0u because 0f what had happened,
0r whatever y0u have in mind f0r letting g0 0f me, (i presume,)
y0u had given me the 0pp0rtunity to judge y0u s0 easily.

Impatient - y0uve gr0wn t0o tired 0f waiting.
C0ward - your s0 afraid f0r what c0uld 0r might have been.You never trusted me and that's y0ur l0ss.

Oh,bef0re my mind diverts away t0 s0me 0ther imp0rtant th0ughts, an infinite thanks t0 y0u,Mr._________. I sh0uld have grieve f0r such a l0ss 0f y0u and yet im fl0ating with j0y. I've never been like this. I understand that when God takes away s0mething g0od, its bcoz He has something better to give. And yeah...

See, I have l0st s0mething and in-exchange f0r that i gained what I've really been missing f0r all these years..

my true self..

Inside the Ship

12/19/08

We had this Shipboard FAM last thursday and yeah,,i admit it's fun yet i've been so damned.
it was so uneasy of me letting myself get in the ship..

the reason could be shallow but its just that i don't wanna stay there..
I flinch while i was there going around after eating the early dinner..

No way i'd be working on a ship. Now i remember the last time i got myself lost.
Its the way to the port..but why?? Was it a sign that i have my future on the sea?errr..That's a no-no!

This coming February i think is my onboard training..T_T
And the big problem is the payment for it. that could run more or less 15-20thou?for just a week?

wow!!!
that big amount could be used for my surgery already..




"♪.♫...you don't know me..
you dont even care..
you said,you dont know me...
and you don't wear my chains..
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that im just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
Im tired of sunset.. ♪ ♫ ♪...♫ "

Selfless Love?

12/19/08

A bitter truth:

Its hard to resist one's wishes or desires even though,
you could only have little or sometimes nothing left at all to give:-(
but still,you do spare what's been left on you
w/o giving concern about the outcomes.

You just give and give unselfishly.


For many times, it may seem okay.
But aren't they abusing your goodness?
Its because you just can't say NO to them
they could ask a favor in no time then?

At zero hours, things could go far beyond as what've been expected..
and asking favors beyond someone's limitations might sometimes reach its high peak
Sooner or later, it might wear out one's being without their thought.

However, when this happens have you ever been asking yourself or
Did these thoughts ever crossed your mind?
why am i so good?
why do i have to give when little or nothing's left on me?

Some may say that could be wrong sometimes.. *shrugs*
Giving without thinkin' of yourself at all. *this line confuses me,haha"
But how can you resist them when they're really in need of something?
You just can't say NO. Guilt stings you know..

And yeah.. that's it.
I could outlive the moments as long as Im aware of what I'm doing.
Maybe, that's just me? And that might be hard to change just for somebody..

Cherished Friends

12/18/08

Cherished Friends
by: Roselyn Valdevieso

God must have known there would be time
We'd need a word of cheer,
Someone to praise a triumph
Or brush away a tear.
He must have known we'd need to share
The joy of "little things"
In order to appreciate
The happiness life brings.
I think He knew our troubled hearts
Would sometimes throb with pain,
At trials and misfortunes,
Or goals we cant attain.
He knew we'd need the comfort
Of an understanding heart
To give us strength and courage
To make a fresh,new start.
He knew we'd need companionship,
unselfish...lasting...true,
And so God answered the
heart's great need
with cherished friend...
Like you!ü

--------------
from a great loving friend who's always been there during my high and low times.
rose, thanks for making this poem for me.really appreciate the effort esp the friendship we share.
lab yo gid ko bah.hahaha ^^

Screwed up

12/18/08

aarghh...been magnetized again by this coding thingy..
be back later...i forgot that id be having this Ship Fam by 2pm..

How can you say if you love the person?

12/17/08

A very tough question.
Got this from my fellow blogger while i was on a bloghop
so,quoted it..

"Its loving the WHOLE Package....

and the EXCESS BAGGAGE!"

Thanks for this thought...

Bloggy

12/16/08

bloggy, been missing you.. T_T
dontwori, after all these school stuffs im gonna post more entries.
ahiii..ive found a cute song chords. ^^ gonna try this for sure.
LOL,, im so lazy right now in going to school.haha
is it because Christmas break is fast approaching?haha

*overwhelmed w/ joy*
nevermind..just super-duper happy right now.haha
of course not that im inspired by someone..
its just that im happy giving what i have without expecting something in return.
not for someone i really love but for people who i just knew this day..haha
you can't give what you don't have.ayt? so im just sharing the blessings i had received from God on this very day..


(to be continued...)

Untitled

12/14/08

*looking for chiffon cake recipe*

huwaa..dont know what to type..
ill update you 2mro.bye2 blog!

Scarlet

12/11/08

(A song from Ayashi no Ceres)

Can you still see your dreams in the distant, starry sky?
Are they more vivid than they were when you were little?

When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart to rest, they burn the color of passion.

I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart.

Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
so then why are we destined to dream?

Sometimes two dreams can turn into love,
but there are also times when they can't.

Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard.
Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife.

Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard.
Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife.

I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart.

---------------------------------
later q na tpusin.ahehe my pasok pa kac..

Alone

12/11/08

Alone
(English translation)

A dry breeze is blowing
The city is getting cold
I wonder how many seasons have passed
Without even a sound?

All of the people coming and going
Bear heavy burdens,
Searching for tomorrow
Within the heat haze wavering in the distance.

Feelings like sand
Falling through my hands...
Back then, the words that pierced my heart
Suddenly started to throb with pain, but...

I've searched for pieces of myself,
Counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

I wonder, why is the sky
So vast?
Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come
And the tears poured out.

I wonder where the birds are flying off to,
As they freely slice through the wind?
One can't return to the same place
As it once was in days gone by.

Even if I give up my dream like this,
I won't suppress my soaring heartbeat.
Someday, I want to reach
As high as the clouds.
I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again

I will reach it, without fail.

I've searched for pieces of myself,
Counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far

=================
A song from Gensoumaden Saiyuki.
Got the song title from my classmates Menas and Diane who were an anime addict.
am not an anime fan, though..
its just the song im attracted to, u know. *grin*

Moving on...

12/8/08

Now playing: Another Day - Mojofly

miss ko na ang FM at mga tao dun.
computer-related course sana kunin ko
kya nga lang ng-iba na decision ko..
what's with u brain?? haha
gusto ko sana dumalaw dun kaya lg baka maadik na nman ako sa kkgawa ng layouts..
kaya buti pa mag mgmove-on na ako..ahehe
happy nman ako ngaun sa course ko..
no regrets..masaya mgbake ng cakes!
nkakapagod lang ang housekeeping subj kac kelangan tlga mglinis.hehe

thanks naman at npadalaw c sis aufelle sa blog ko.at least papano mjo mbabawasn pagkamiss ko sa fmians.hehe

xia nga pla,,about my previous entry..
parang di ko xia like.ahaha
cnxa na..resulta lg yun ng boredom..
i've changed already.. see?haha
we can't avoid nman mdepress paminsan2 dba?
its better to be emotional sometimes para naman mailabas mga hinanaing mo
dan to suppress it.kaw lang din masasaktan.ayt?

"smile and the world smiles with you.
cry and you cry alone."


that's the reality naman eh.
Each time we wake up,
we only have two choices to make.
and that's only to be happy or be sad.
if you wanna be happy all day
then you have to make the right choice-be happy.
if you wanna be sad then its up to you..
Remember, we are the ones making the choices and our future depends on how we make our decisions..

And because every single moment counts,be it happy or sad,we should seize the day with courage & hope!!!
Let's enjoy life and keep our spirits high..hiyeah!!
(ang kyut ng emoticons q.ayiiih)

Just Pondering...

12/8/08

Now Playing: Wake Up by Mojofly



argh...im jz wasting my time doing nothing in front of my monitor..
my stomach is shouting for food again..
anyway,i dont have a class tomorrow..
its not a loss but an opportunity for me..hurray.haha
i can go online till morning..
oopz i promiz last night not to stay late again.did i?

*a big deep sigh*
when will these scars just fade away? its frustrating me..
im wondering how can i ---


oh btw, im planning to have a vacation on Christmas break..
um,,,at the hospital.haha
hayz,,i haven't told my parents regarding this matter.im so concerned about my cruise on summer.where should i get the money for my practicum?
hmm,,i think i have to prioritize first my health..id be going 21 soon and ----

when will these pains stop pestering me?
can i just go on considering im not sick?
awtz,,how?everytime i look at myself in the mirror,
im scared looking at my own reflection.ahehe
hay,no kidding..

how can i not mind these things?my eyes,my skin, and my ..

what makes me more sick is when people ask me why this and that..
is there someone who could just accept me without knowing what's really on my past?im so tired explaining over and over again...
if i could just record those then surely it wouldn't bother me and moreover i wont be wasting a little of my saliva it wont be paining my heart.ayt??? coz everytime im telling what had happened, its breaking me down instead of being thankful id survive. i just can't forget those things easily..esp the struggles and hardship of my love ones for me..

i owe them my life. have to do such things to repay those hardships they did for me..
but maybe for the meantime,i have to work on
my self first, even though some people might say im selfish..



(to be continued..)

The Unutterable Words Part 3

again,, im troubled by the same existing person
and I can't really tell if he's an imaginary being
i just made up on my mind or a real existing one.

The bliss which transpired long months ago
had eventually awaken me again -
The thing which Im expecting chances with.

Yet the more it's getting closer to me,
the more i feel so awkward grasping it on my hands too tight
just to avoid being redrifted away by the wind.

Yeah, i admit im a coward.
Afraid it would escape from me again but
embracing it is the fact that would be hard for me to do.

How would I welcome it when Im not so sure about it?
Its hard to pretend its nothing when in fact it could be everything?
Everthing I've dreamed of.. wished of!
Everthing I've longed for and prayed for!

Who would come to believe that?..
You might be saying its a Lie!
Imaginations aren't that real right?

Boredom Strikes

12/6/08

Listening to: Moment of Truth by Fm Static
ai excuse me, ano nlg ni ya?hahaha im bored.la na my gsbay skon.ahehe its ok.
ikaw nlg gni storyahon ko
ahai...if i could just type ALL whats playing on my mind, i would.
but maybe it would take me years to type everything what's stirring me up.LOL

wait.ill just get myself something to eat.*eating-a-donut mode*


im back.hmm..Nu nami nga fillings for choco cake mn?
BRB

hay huo joi.mau gd na nhimo mu.pulaw na nman.grrr
promiz,just a few more minutes.(few? more?LOL im confused)
i'll jz wait for my momci n company to arrive.

"♪..♫..and i miss you more
whenever i think about you.
..been so long since we've been talking
and in a few more days we'll both hook up,
forever and ever..♪..♫.♪...."

*photoshopping mode<---miz dz 1* guess i can sleep by now.ahehe gnyt... signing off

Could you stay?

12/6/08

Now Playing: Stay by Lisa Loeb


im sleepy na..but i have to finish the menu book for our waitering..
hayz..la lng. Some strange thoughts have just crossed my mind. i dont know..
i have realized that everything in this world isn't under my control
And its stinging me right here (v)
yeah,he's a good guy.
a great one maybe.
but i don't have to press him to stay just for me.
if he wanted to, he would.

is it still me? its depressing that i could be nothing to him when for me, he's ---i dunno
he's everything.ahuuu

i dont even wanna think about it.
its just crushing me..
I need your strength Lord.T_T

What's next?

12/6/08

Now Playing: Suntok sa Buwan by Session Road
sorry if im always bringing bad news to you...
ano man bi ke,huhu la lng..hehe
huo ah,,buang na kng buang.so what?haha
awtz gd ya..sakit arms ko sa floor polisher.
nu ni klase nga course mn?hahaha okay2,look at the brighter side.
il take it as an exercise.haha pero sakit gd ya eh..
im sad staring at you!!yes,ikaw..monitor.hehe
i wanna see the moon..huhu december 13 pa..
i cant wait...

hmm...whats awaiting me the next time
i see the scene of you??
getting excited..what could be my next encounter?hehe

The Thought of Him

12/6/08

Now playing: Angel by Tres
Again, i find it hard to stay in front of the monitor because it only makes me blue.i guess there's no other reason for me to go online but my school works.

there's so much things i've learned for weeks when i lost my contact to him and im so proud to have these progress..yes, i admit it im doing these for him not just for myself. But what could be so fulfilling when the one whom you're preparing yourself at is already gone? how could you be so happy without sharing this to someone special, without letting him know about it?

there's this feeling inside that depresses me. maybe its the thought of losing him. am i too late to let him know what and to whom my heart is truly shouting for? That i'd wanted him so bad..to be mine alone. no shares just, just me..the worst thing i have in mind is that id wanted him to be not just mine now but to be mine forever. is this insanity or what? falling in love so bad without seein' the person, without holding any info about him seems mysterious and wrong. yet i cant help my self staying away from the thought of him. because that's the thing that awakes me from reality.Is it just the thought that i love about him?if its just the thought, why would i bother preparing myself for just a thought, or an imagination i say?

but its.. (to be continued...)

A New Canvas of Life

12/1/08

so glad about the progress i've made but at the same time, scared.
Scared for the fact that im beginning to lose someone. I've been gone for a week and i think that worried him.It made me worry less for im holdin' on to his words, "im always here for you.." The problem is,if he knows how to keep those words. it don't matter if for them i seemed like nuts believing him. i don't really care. i wanna thank him for everything.. because of him, i was able to renew my life.. a lot of things i never realized before. but now, my eyes are widely open about the realities. It was then when he said i don't know how to balance my life, when i began to decide 'bout renewing.
my life is beginning to have its directions.
im so full of hope now,
my depression lessened,
starting to mingle with people,
i learn how to enjoy my life..
balance my time at school,
give time for my self to enjoy. He had awaken me from a deep sleep. and im so grateful to God for sending me someone like him. If given a single wish, i'd like him to stay FOREVER. but i just cant love him unless i am whole. gradually,i have to pick up first the small pieces of me.

Follow your Heart or Mind?

11/22/08

Tong Hua (Fairytale-English Translation)

cute song



================♥
I've just taken a quiz at Tickle.com ..and the results

Heart-Strong Romantic

Whether you planned it or not, you just can't help but follow your feelings when it comes to matters of l'amour. You're a passionate person who can't ignore things that fit you to a T — whether it's that perfect pair of jeans, a good cause, or the love of a lifetime.
Sure, things don't always go according to plan, but with an irrepressible drive like yours, you'd better get used to it! Living life as a fake just isn't in the cards for you. So open up your arms and embrace what life throws your way — especially if it happens to be the man of your dreams!

uhuh?you made me confuse again...

================♥

huhuhu...well i think he doesn't really love me..
can't bear this pain anymore..okay okay..accepted
but i just can't surrender without giving much effort..

at least,in the end there would be no regrets if i give my all.
after all..it doesn't really matter if he doesn't feel the same way as i do.

but i think i have to withdraw first for a week to reshape..

Confessions 101

11/19/08

Now playing:
Heart of my Soul by Carol Banawa


as of the moment,these are the things that troubles my mind..

MY...

1. Unseen friend

im missing him more of each passin' days
i really wanted him to be on my side.
A hopeless wish, i believe firmly; somethin' i get myself accustomed with
A fantasy that only fate could allow such impossible things to happen
that someday, we'll be together always..
Would this be really happening?
Only God knows..

2. Partner in kitchen

My baking subject which is suppose to be one of my fave
subj turns out to be a curse for me..

i wanna change partner could i?
how can i tell him? its not that easy
i can't leave him alone. he has no friends but me.

The Unutterable Words Part 2

Running away never means your leaving behind what you've started
But taking a break on what was happening around.

To find yourself..
To think..
To reshape..
To grow.. amidst the distance.

You try to pick up the scattered pieces of yourself on where you have left,
so when you comeback you're WHOLE and won't be intimidated again by your fears.
But sometimes, things aren't going so well as what've been expected. You came back
smelling something great might happen yet it turns out the other way around.

It's so pathetic when you go 'home' with nothing left in your hands. T_T
You couldn't help but assume the one you're coming back is nonexistent.

Bunch of questions is boggling you like...
How to smooth out things when you can't see the creases?
How would you start it all over again when you're the only one who cares?
How to make it more interesting when you don't know what words to speak?

The saddest and the oddest part is that,
you can't spell out what exactly the whole thing is
when all you know is that,
it has a huge impact in your life you can't easily throw away.

Funride under the Moon

11/13/08

The night was so cold. Again, the second time i had no accounting class. I was on my way out from school when i noticed the moon above me so bright and full. *moonstruck*

It amazed me by no reason that i can't stop gazing at it. There, i crossed down the street still gazing at the moon, then get myself in the jeepney. Lots of passengers are on a ride but i saw nobody but me who's watching every details and appreciating the beautiful features of the moon. On my way home, i noticed something different.

The place....ahuh?? was it the place?

My eyes got busy searching for familiar places but i'd never seen those before.. I've been scanning the jeepney's titles but never found the word "Mandalagan" on it. Only that i realized that im riding the wrong jeepney. Aha!It's so weird that i never felt the fear. Its seems like somebody is watching over me..watching me through the moon?ahaha a weird feeling..

Yes, its the moon.Although i had this someone runnin' in my mind but its the moon definitely that blinded me and been the reason i got lost at that moment. It leaded me to a dark unknown place where i've never been before.

Minutes passed by, i was the only one riding the jeepney and it stopped on a dark place somewhere like in a squatter's area. I asked the driver if he's going back to "Libertad" he said,"yes" It was indeed a sigh of relief. because if he's not going back, im pressed to tell him that i got lost even though its kinda embarassing. But because he'd be driving back, i watched the sky again..I should be on a fear state but i was overwhelmed by happiness instead.LOL

Ahhh...the sky with the twinkling stars on it, the moon, so beautiful and the wind brushing my cheeks, was so cold. The moment was very unforgettable. It wiped away my worries.. very overwhelming & relieving experience,i tell you!

While i was riding, watching the sky and feeling the cold wind a music was played on the fm station. Its the song i've sung for him,his fave song. I did enjoy the ride too much that a small tear fell down from my right eye..imagine!my right eye?? (my left eye,could be but my right?never. it could only shed a single tear once in a while)
i couldn't remember well when was the last time it occurred. that was last year i think?strange...

Thanks God, the driver was so good that nothing bad had happened to me. After the funride, (well i dunno if that was fun for you,,but for me it was really a big fun though i was alone) i was on my way home for real---but still staring intently at the moon until i went inside the house..

I got tired and throw myself on my bed when somebody message me. guess who?? LOL weird!

But anyway,thank you Lord for nothing bad had happened to me and thank you for sparing that night for me. ^^

Heart 4 Sale?

11/11/08

what does your ava tell??
i just thought im just the one you------

yeah right, just a sort of my stupid imaginations.

can't bear this anymore..
why would people wants me to be happy then just leave like... like...

I dunno.
I dunno.
I dunno.

like the wind?? maybe.as what the song says...

Alright.
That's it!
I surrender.
I won't allow anybody to let me fall again..not ever!
I ended up


I always thought he would be the one for me..
Because i have this strong weird feeling which I've just felt for the first time.
That He is really for me. weird as you would thought..
But i guess i should be leaving it to God..and let the fate do the work.
Of course, it pains me but I believe God's love & His plan for me never fails.

Fighting Blues Away

11/9/08

Now Playing:
You are Not Alone by Michael Jackson
.

Again im feeling so down right now..
I know i shouldn't be like this because he don't like me to be on this state..
im sorry but i can't help myself.
I just don't know why..
I feel like crying and i don't know some way to cheer me up but blogging.
Here, i can write up anything what's runnin' on my mind...in silence.
...without anybody dictating me what to do, think or say.

i always find ways to express myself when im lonely or gay.
as of now, im back in photoshopping..
back in playing a guitar..reading books, watching tv shows and movies.
what's with me?

My old days..
My life which once i get my self accustomed with is
A dull life..living contentedly with what i just have,
not happy though but just making out of what i have
and getting myself used to it.

Yet now, the once darkened world had been lit up.
i can never believe im so full of life right now.
I've never been this alive..

[...typing on progress]

Ashen

11/7/08

Now Playing:
I'll Always Be Right There

----------------------------
Imagine,,,we've lost our communication for long long months and id say i missed the talks we used to have - sharing both of our life's experiences. We always have this senti talks.haha kinda weird i know..but yeah,,he's one of my confidants. He's a sweet caring guy, a very good friend u can share your problems with, and most of all what i like more about Him...

He's very close to God.
Maybe that's the reason until now our friendship lasts...because of GOD.
I may never forget that every time we talk, we would never run out of "GOD" in our conversations; praising and appreciating God of how wondrous He is in running our lives.

Well, both of us we're planning to have a bonding before he leaves Negros. Yes, he's leaving. He would be staying in Manila for good. How i wish we could bond together before he leaves.

Thanks for bein' a part of me!

Kiss from a Rose

Now Playing:
Kiss from a Rose by Seal
------------------------------

pasensiya,,sira ulo kasi author nito.ahaha kaya sorry pag di nagtutugma title ko sa content nito.haha

hay salamat, my time pa pla ako dalawin 'tong blog na toh...
well in fact,,di ko na to binigyan ng pansin..yaiz..hehe sorry..

dont worry,, andito na me! asan na u?

eto,,funny nia oh. ang happy nia.ntatawa tuloy aq


teka,,i can't concentrate typing.ahehe my narining ako sa labas eh..
baka andun ulit cuz q..

hayz..kkainlove kac pag tumutugtog yun..galing mg-acoustic.dun ako kanina sa terrace. nakikinig lang sa kanila. ganda ng songs na tinutugtog nla..plus factor ang hangin..sarap sa pkiramdam.nkakarelieve ng stress lalo na pagkasama mo yung taong special sayo



wait...hanap ako smileys.para naman masaya basahin tong
walang kwentang entry ko ngayon..ahaha

ayan,,ang cu-cute nla.ahehe

hay,wait..akalain me msg pla ako??ahaha cno kaya..mabasa nga.
haayz...

bat kaya yun nireply ko??
sorry...sinaktan q na nman yung tao...

okay na din siguro yun.para di na ako umasa pa..
di na talaga ako mg-eexpect.stupid lang talaga cgro ako..
sori tao lg po
di naman talaga ako siguro mahal nun..can't see the effort in him.
till here na lang po..kausapin ko to muna

good night

Screen turns black!

11/5/08

now playing:
Miss You by MYMP
-----------------------

i was on a blogging state as of the moment.^^
i was about to type something when my screen turned black!heck...
not just the screen but the whole house..

i was never scared but its funny of me creeping and avoiding things in the dark so i wont break any of them...i was lost and can't find my room.hahaha

its really dark that touching things is my only hope to find my way bcoz i dont have my phone with me. everyone is at sleep and i was creeping so people wont hear any noise from me.hahaha silly..thank God i found the doorknob of my room.LOL

Got disgusted and i throw my self on the bed when...

tada!! the lights went on!!! see??
they're just playing on me. tsk3

and ,,here i am..on a typing mode again..^^

what's that again?oh yeah...what i wanted to tell is about the story made by my friend.
i got myself busy reading it for 2 days i think.its a 4 volume book handwritten by her illustrated with those cute funny drawings on..

the story is so good that i can't even stop reading it.
i borrowed it during our prelims yet i only got the chance to read those now ..
is it because im bored or what?lolz but yeah,i really appreciate the story and its making me blue when i remember them..

yeah i know,,its too crazy pretending i dont miss him when the truth is i miss him so bad!waaah its okay. i know i can handle this.. i have MY GOD with me.so why worry then??hihi
smile =)

time now is 12:27 am.
joi... now signing-off..
"bayang magiliw.."ahehe
gnyt!Zzzz

Hurting Inside

11/4/08

Now Playing:
Hurting Inside by U-turn
---------------------------------------

Am i the culprit here?
Is it really me?
Am i being insensitive?
Am i being ignorant? of how i feel for you? --of how you feel for me?
Its makin me cry !!
you just can't make me fall that easily!!
its hard for me to reach you...your heart particularly.

"maybe it isn't that wide open.." i just told myself..

you're far from me but don't let me feel you're farther than i think....
that won't be easy to do..reaching you out wouldn't be hard if you can just be YOU.


getting so paranoid??aaaaaahh...
am i getting worst or what???
Do i deserve to call my self again STUPID??that suits me i think.

LOVE, love, LOVE!!!!!
its gettin on to my nerves...it suffocates me...it PAINS me!
do you really want me??
or you just wanted me to fall for you??sorry but i think you've failed!!
i didn't fall for you...i didn't!!!!



WHY???





WHY???!!




WHY???!!!





SIMPLY!!!
because im not so IN LOVE with you!!!
im sorry to tell that i don't..




because the truth is..


I LOVE YOU
already...

i don't love the FEELING..its just YOU that i love.
yeah you win *hands down*...so are you happy now??huh??
are you happy seeing me hurting??*sniff*

it pains me.. and its paining me more!
Do you want to ask me why??

yes, i want you to ask me why!!! rather that just saying

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!


this is because im trying so hard to enter your
mind and your heart as well...

i wanna know what's inside them..
i wanted so bad to know the way you think..you feel..
---what are you thinking, what are you feeling...
all i wanted is just for you to share a little part of yourself
...like we are just one.
i just wanted to help, to take part but i just cant.
' Coz i dont know what's really bothering you inside.


you told me once, you can live by yourself alone.
that keeps my mind playing those words over and over again.
i was scared but i did try..
i keep holding on my beliefs that i could change it.
i wanted to prove you wrong.... that you just cant
i wanted you to need me..
but its just of no use...

yeah,, maybe you're right.
you can be alone..and you have just proved it i say.
you don't need me..
maybe,you just need somebody better than i do.
eventually not me..


you seemed you're putting so much wall for us
which makes it hard for me to be a part of you, perhaps.

I believe, we can make things work for us if we're in this together...
But for the meantime, let's just be friends for a while..
its for the best. i could say...

Is it him whom i've waited for so long?

10/20/08

i don't know exactly why im acting so weird all these times.
things i dont usually do,,surprisingly i made it with no doubt?
but i got confused with what im feeling right now.
am i suppose to be happy?
shall i fight for this weird feeling i felt for the first time??
or let go of it and let God do the work for me?for us?T_T
*sniff*


although i can live alone,
the moment i know this guy and the more i know about him
it makes me long and need him more.
this pain is drowning me...
i dont know if this is right to say, "my heart is more secured to him now"
or is this just a mistaken feeling??
i understand he too is confused about everything..
and i think i'd better give ourselves the space to think.

The Unutterable Words

u know how much i can tolerate physical pains

but this???

im telling you, im not gonna survive with things such as, u know....

i just dunno what's holdin me back mybe the fear of being---?
i always mess up with stuff like this
that's why im running away..
yet something is pulling me back to where ive started..

its weird though.
after all those times,
im not over it.
i could not think of any reason why everything turns down.

you think im the one to be blamed??

you think i really deserve to be happy??

how??

not that easy coz i cant turn back time...

you think it would be better to ignore it??

maybe it might fade tomorrow... :confused:
yeah,,
tomorrow!!:D
lol i dunno exactly when that tomorrow would be..

but if something awaits me,,
ah eh---
let's just see what will happen
so i could take the proper action..

Moving on to a New Life

i really don't know why would everything turn out as hard as this..
every time i enjoy the happy rides, i would bump from here to there. i got bruised and sometimes it's so hard to stand on my feet again.. There would come a time im so helpless but i couldn't bear seeing myself drown into a thick mud.. even though im getting weak and almost lost, i still get up just to continue what i've started..because I have to. and i need to.. im almost in the middle and i don't wanna go back and start all over again..

End the Day with a Smile

i dunno what im feeling exactly but maybe my mind is full of thoughts i can't easily accomplish in a single tick of a clock. Its kinda complicated having these series of exams. But this time i haven't prepared in all my subjects because what troubled me the most is my culinary exams.. Haven't find my recipe yet for my appetizers and relish..argh i must pass the requisition form today yet the problem is,,what should i cook??LOL its no use borrowing those utensils when i dont know what to make/cook tomorrow..it should be the recipe first so i would know what to borrow..T_T

I desperately need help. There are lots of recipes over the net and its hard for me to choose one..hahaha I want something presentable and unique to the eyes of the critics.(arte)LOL

although my day began in cramming, i always ended up with a smile. I know He's always there. Thank you so much!!!

In Need of Resurrection

This song is such an amazing inspiration from God, a very powerful song and i can somehow say it speaks my heart out. This reminds, inspires and encourages me more to hold on to my beliefs that someday i can surpass all these trials with the help of God's grace..that someday He will make me whole again..

---------------------


Resurrection
-Nicol Sponberg

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus


I just found this Christian song at youtube the moment im searchin for my report about jewish persecution..Maybe this is what God tells me to do.*win*

Say it Again

Im so disappointed of my performance 3 hours ago..i should have not stayed on the computer and spend my time making layouts. Maybe in that way, i could have performed well in class. Although my professor was impressed with my composition, still i wasn't contented the way i deliver them. grr.. I got tensed, lost my focus and turned out catching and recalling what the next lines could be. It was such a total failure and i couldn't help hating myself for not preparing before the day of my performance. Well at least, i have learned another lesson.


*Sigh* I don't know what's really bugging me. I always lost my focus whenever Im emotionally stressed. Is this an after-effect?LOL guess not.


Yeah,, people might say im physically better than before. That i recovered from my sickness. That after the terrible experience i had, the only scar I have is the scars on my skin. But the truth, the effects of that traumatic experience back two years ago scarred psychologically and emotionally not only on physical aspect. They forgot to realize the hidden scars. Its located here..inside me. in my mind,in my heart. That's bugging me up to now. The scar which aren't visible to everyone's eyes. Though im trying to look good and okay, i can't afford to lie to God and to my self that Im not. My mind is cluttered with so many questions and worries that i barely focus unto something. I always got this unwanted headache especially when Im experiencing tension, disappointment, solitude and other negative thoughts and emotions i have in mind.


Its so tiring that I wanna go somewhere, far from where i am right now, to find my self, work on and focus on the part where i think i've lost. I wanna enjoy life yet many factors hinders me to do so. Maybe a big adjustment on my part and to the environment can help. grr,,im working on that lately but it doesn't seem to work.haha I feel so alone when i step out of the school's premises. What the hell am i talking?i shouldn't be like this? Im strong. I must be..because I have to and thats the only way i know to see the brightest end in my journey. Patience joy...patience...

MJ and Angels

Much more Im gonna miss are my companies. MJ and the angels (boi,kim,fresh,maria). They're more special to me because we all care for each other and the bonding of friendship is so strong that even distance can never break us apart. Despite the personality differences and distinction, we share the same laughs, cries and sweats. That's what makes the group stronger and more bonded together.

Riverside College

Time gradually flees so fast. Much have changed about the school. Yeah can't claim it as my school coz it won't be now. As I watch over the vicinity, I meet more fresh faces, new buildings I have never seen on campus back when I was there. It's a way different to me now as I also see my self different from them too. After two years had passed, I can never forget those events in my life.

And the hard truth I still can't accept that i was there to process my transcript for transfer. I rush over from one office to another for the signing of clearance. As I enter the library- our "tambayan", im blown away by the usual things we did. MJ, our unico iho in the group as what we call him, and my angels. We spent our break time reading, chatting and fooling around when we dont have quizzes to take. I can't forget the finger transfomations, the big laughs we made and the scolds we gain from the librarian for being so noisy inside while learning the sign language.

I proceed to the SPS. Then to our DO's office. There, I see Mr. Milos, our Disciplinary Officer. He's known to be hated by the students for being so strict inside the campus."Why are you transferring? You have failures?" he ask. "No. no sir," my short reply. Can't think of what to say. Im always tired of explaining about the experiences i had two years ago. Why this, why that... But I realize it would be better for him to know the truth. "Im willing to continue what I've started sir, but Im more concerned about my health, " I say, holding my tears from falling down my cheeks. We have a short talk about my traumatic experiences then he give me some advices. It almost melts me. My impression on him changed and I believe he's a great man. He understands what I have been through. He cut the upper left portion of my ID and give it back to me. "I'll give you this as a remembrance."

Sad to say but maybe time had come for me to move on. , i think God has a different plan for my future.. I still hope. I still believe in Him as long as Im here in this challenging world..

REJOICE!!!

What a finer day! so finer than yesterday that i almost clean up the whole house.Whooh! What a relief not seeing my cousin around. LOL Im not rude to him but i don't know why i dislike him so much. Dealing with new company requires a lot of time to know them and master their behaviors. Anyway who would nicely treat someone who isn't giving respect to you or to your family?Who would not be upset by it especially seeing your mom raising temper because of his stupidity?Yes, stupid and he's almost crazy by the fact that when he's in a bad mood, he would do such unwanted childish acts like making tantrums like a child or do some cutting along the bushes in the middle of the night, and many more. I don't know why he was behaving that way. All I could remember that it started when he's getting along with his barkadas. I couldn't tell what exactly were they doing but I think that they're taking drugs. I can tell it looking straightly to their eyes coz its flaming and being so temperamental makes a big difference. Lucky he is 'coz my father is working far from here or maybe things could get more complicated seeing how badly he acted in front of my mom. Now he's F-I-R-E-D from work. Good for him coz he don't really deserved the best treatment from my mom for disrespecting her. If he's really using just a little part of his brains, why would he leave without just saying anything. A goodbye could do. Yet he left like a wind.

I should have posted his picture but im scared of him.haha He could have killed me. If you see him you could really tell he's a serial killer. The fact that he's leaving the house lessen my fears. You would really think I dont care at all because after he left, i bursted with joy and shouting, "Rejoice!!!" It was just so cool that we're back to same faces under one roof again. My mom, my two brothers, my sister and my tita whom you knew best for years. No WORRIES. No FEARS.

A DOODLE

Here's a little memory from my past i'd like to share to all - drawn by me and a friend.

You might wonder what this crap doin' on my post. It's kinda weird though but behind this image is a friendship that grew amidst the distance in a much complicated world. We met through web and we became friends. Yeah, friends. Nothing much and nothing less. But he's more that a friend to me coz he's one of those people who cheers me up whenever im down. I miss him so bad and i don't almost catch him online often since last year.. And this is the only thing that reminds me of him. *sniff* We drew this while we're chattingThis one is something I may never forget for the rest of my life.

...undefined yet uneasily forgotten. An untold story that Im holding on for so long which i think it's something to be treated "special" and not only meant to be taken for granted. It's one of the things that had awaken me from a long deep sleep. And now a part of me that gives me another reason to HOPE, LIVE and LOVE again.

Though so much things have change between the two of us, memories still lingers on me like a sweet sad old song despite the growing hiatus.