Moving on to a New Life

i really don't know why would everything turn out as hard as this..
every time i enjoy the happy rides, i would bump from here to there. i got bruised and sometimes it's so hard to stand on my feet again.. There would come a time im so helpless but i couldn't bear seeing myself drown into a thick mud.. even though im getting weak and almost lost, i still get up just to continue what i've started..because I have to. and i need to.. im almost in the middle and i don't wanna go back and start all over again..

End the Day with a Smile

i dunno what im feeling exactly but maybe my mind is full of thoughts i can't easily accomplish in a single tick of a clock. Its kinda complicated having these series of exams. But this time i haven't prepared in all my subjects because what troubled me the most is my culinary exams.. Haven't find my recipe yet for my appetizers and relish..argh i must pass the requisition form today yet the problem is,,what should i cook??LOL its no use borrowing those utensils when i dont know what to make/cook tomorrow..it should be the recipe first so i would know what to borrow..T_T

I desperately need help. There are lots of recipes over the net and its hard for me to choose one..hahaha I want something presentable and unique to the eyes of the critics.(arte)LOL

although my day began in cramming, i always ended up with a smile. I know He's always there. Thank you so much!!!

In Need of Resurrection

This song is such an amazing inspiration from God, a very powerful song and i can somehow say it speaks my heart out. This reminds, inspires and encourages me more to hold on to my beliefs that someday i can surpass all these trials with the help of God's grace..that someday He will make me whole again..

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Resurrection
-Nicol Sponberg

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus


I just found this Christian song at youtube the moment im searchin for my report about jewish persecution..Maybe this is what God tells me to do.*win*

Say it Again

Im so disappointed of my performance 3 hours ago..i should have not stayed on the computer and spend my time making layouts. Maybe in that way, i could have performed well in class. Although my professor was impressed with my composition, still i wasn't contented the way i deliver them. grr.. I got tensed, lost my focus and turned out catching and recalling what the next lines could be. It was such a total failure and i couldn't help hating myself for not preparing before the day of my performance. Well at least, i have learned another lesson.


*Sigh* I don't know what's really bugging me. I always lost my focus whenever Im emotionally stressed. Is this an after-effect?LOL guess not.


Yeah,, people might say im physically better than before. That i recovered from my sickness. That after the terrible experience i had, the only scar I have is the scars on my skin. But the truth, the effects of that traumatic experience back two years ago scarred psychologically and emotionally not only on physical aspect. They forgot to realize the hidden scars. Its located here..inside me. in my mind,in my heart. That's bugging me up to now. The scar which aren't visible to everyone's eyes. Though im trying to look good and okay, i can't afford to lie to God and to my self that Im not. My mind is cluttered with so many questions and worries that i barely focus unto something. I always got this unwanted headache especially when Im experiencing tension, disappointment, solitude and other negative thoughts and emotions i have in mind.


Its so tiring that I wanna go somewhere, far from where i am right now, to find my self, work on and focus on the part where i think i've lost. I wanna enjoy life yet many factors hinders me to do so. Maybe a big adjustment on my part and to the environment can help. grr,,im working on that lately but it doesn't seem to work.haha I feel so alone when i step out of the school's premises. What the hell am i talking?i shouldn't be like this? Im strong. I must be..because I have to and thats the only way i know to see the brightest end in my journey. Patience joy...patience...

MJ and Angels

Much more Im gonna miss are my companies. MJ and the angels (boi,kim,fresh,maria). They're more special to me because we all care for each other and the bonding of friendship is so strong that even distance can never break us apart. Despite the personality differences and distinction, we share the same laughs, cries and sweats. That's what makes the group stronger and more bonded together.

Riverside College

Time gradually flees so fast. Much have changed about the school. Yeah can't claim it as my school coz it won't be now. As I watch over the vicinity, I meet more fresh faces, new buildings I have never seen on campus back when I was there. It's a way different to me now as I also see my self different from them too. After two years had passed, I can never forget those events in my life.

And the hard truth I still can't accept that i was there to process my transcript for transfer. I rush over from one office to another for the signing of clearance. As I enter the library- our "tambayan", im blown away by the usual things we did. MJ, our unico iho in the group as what we call him, and my angels. We spent our break time reading, chatting and fooling around when we dont have quizzes to take. I can't forget the finger transfomations, the big laughs we made and the scolds we gain from the librarian for being so noisy inside while learning the sign language.

I proceed to the SPS. Then to our DO's office. There, I see Mr. Milos, our Disciplinary Officer. He's known to be hated by the students for being so strict inside the campus."Why are you transferring? You have failures?" he ask. "No. no sir," my short reply. Can't think of what to say. Im always tired of explaining about the experiences i had two years ago. Why this, why that... But I realize it would be better for him to know the truth. "Im willing to continue what I've started sir, but Im more concerned about my health, " I say, holding my tears from falling down my cheeks. We have a short talk about my traumatic experiences then he give me some advices. It almost melts me. My impression on him changed and I believe he's a great man. He understands what I have been through. He cut the upper left portion of my ID and give it back to me. "I'll give you this as a remembrance."

Sad to say but maybe time had come for me to move on. , i think God has a different plan for my future.. I still hope. I still believe in Him as long as Im here in this challenging world..

REJOICE!!!

What a finer day! so finer than yesterday that i almost clean up the whole house.Whooh! What a relief not seeing my cousin around. LOL Im not rude to him but i don't know why i dislike him so much. Dealing with new company requires a lot of time to know them and master their behaviors. Anyway who would nicely treat someone who isn't giving respect to you or to your family?Who would not be upset by it especially seeing your mom raising temper because of his stupidity?Yes, stupid and he's almost crazy by the fact that when he's in a bad mood, he would do such unwanted childish acts like making tantrums like a child or do some cutting along the bushes in the middle of the night, and many more. I don't know why he was behaving that way. All I could remember that it started when he's getting along with his barkadas. I couldn't tell what exactly were they doing but I think that they're taking drugs. I can tell it looking straightly to their eyes coz its flaming and being so temperamental makes a big difference. Lucky he is 'coz my father is working far from here or maybe things could get more complicated seeing how badly he acted in front of my mom. Now he's F-I-R-E-D from work. Good for him coz he don't really deserved the best treatment from my mom for disrespecting her. If he's really using just a little part of his brains, why would he leave without just saying anything. A goodbye could do. Yet he left like a wind.

I should have posted his picture but im scared of him.haha He could have killed me. If you see him you could really tell he's a serial killer. The fact that he's leaving the house lessen my fears. You would really think I dont care at all because after he left, i bursted with joy and shouting, "Rejoice!!!" It was just so cool that we're back to same faces under one roof again. My mom, my two brothers, my sister and my tita whom you knew best for years. No WORRIES. No FEARS.

A DOODLE

Here's a little memory from my past i'd like to share to all - drawn by me and a friend.

You might wonder what this crap doin' on my post. It's kinda weird though but behind this image is a friendship that grew amidst the distance in a much complicated world. We met through web and we became friends. Yeah, friends. Nothing much and nothing less. But he's more that a friend to me coz he's one of those people who cheers me up whenever im down. I miss him so bad and i don't almost catch him online often since last year.. And this is the only thing that reminds me of him. *sniff* We drew this while we're chattingThis one is something I may never forget for the rest of my life.

...undefined yet uneasily forgotten. An untold story that Im holding on for so long which i think it's something to be treated "special" and not only meant to be taken for granted. It's one of the things that had awaken me from a long deep sleep. And now a part of me that gives me another reason to HOPE, LIVE and LOVE again.

Though so much things have change between the two of us, memories still lingers on me like a sweet sad old song despite the growing hiatus.